


ARCHIVE: The Integrator Boards

by luckybarton



Category: Lock In - John Scalzi
Genre: Banter, Computer Programming, Epistolary, Fanmix, Forum Posts, Gen, Humor, In-Universe Forum, Integrators, Jargon, Meta, Mixtape, Playlist, Realistic Tech Talk, Technology, chomsky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:26:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybarton/pseuds/luckybarton
Summary: Sorta-epistolary in-universe meta in the form of some forum threads from a board for Integrators.Includes threads, banter, a fanmix-disguised-as-a-thread, and a guide to Chomsky.





	1. Forum Rules

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HopefulNebula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopefulNebula/gifts).



> **Chapter 1:** Forum Rules  
>  **Chapter 2:** Discussion on "Your Worst Experience Integrating"  
>  **Chapter 3:** An Integrator Fanmix In The Form Of Meta ("Let's Build A Playlist")  
>  **Chapter 4:** "Intro to Chomsky", AKA: A brief guide to programming in Chomsky, by Tony Wilton.
> 
> The last chapter is serious business. I'm a programmer and thinking about how the fuck Chomsky actually works is something I legit spend my idle time doing, so I was psyched that I actually got to turn that into fic.

**Samara Wallace**   
_Head Honcho_

Contrary to what _appears_ to be popular belief, the Integrator Boards actually have rules. Here’s a comprehensive list:

 

**[0]** For the love of god, don’t incriminate yourself.

**[1]** Don’t complain about adult content unless it’s actually porn. We will ban you for posting porn.

**[2]** No hate speech. If you arbitrarily hate people, go get a job at an insurance company. And then get them to lower our premiums. Please.

**[3]** No necroposting. _This means you, Bell._

**[4]** No selling stuff. This is a forum, not a flea market.

**[5]** Mod tells you to stop? You stop.

 

That’s about it. We don’t have many more rules than this because we all know we’re all adults here, and I’d like to think that people who pass the screening you have to go through to _become_ an Integrator can handle themselves better than most.

**There isn’t a rule about Hadens being on the forum or whatever because you can’t even view the Integrator Boards without being an Integrator. We can tell.**

(There are three exceptions to the non-rule: Jane Webber, Jie Xiulan, and Tony Wilton. They’re implant programmers, and having them around is useful.)

Feel free to discuss any aspect of our career, but be wary of Rule 0.

_This thread is locked to new comments._


	2. Your Worst Experience Integrating

**Aditya Kamal**  
_Maximum Killjoy_

I will start with a tale tragic and true. I let my passenger drive my car. It was shiny, at the time. And then he drove it into a lamp post.

The repairs were NOT. WORTH. IT. Even though he paid up in the end :|

And my neck hasn’t been the same since!

So. What’s yours?

 

 **James Jefferson**  
_The Worst Of The Best_

I went to disneyland and the kid almost pissed their/my pants. And then they turned out to be _[Moderator Edit — Don’t break integrator-client privilege. Rules 0/5]_.

Beat that!

_Last edited by Sy Lucas._

 

 **Marcos Batalon**  
_Lives On The Moon_

_ > [REDACTED] _

Jesus christ, dude. I would have died.

_Last edited by Sy Lucas.  
_

 

 **Tony Wilton**  
_Verified Infiltrator_

Who was it??

 

 **Sy Lucas**  
_GodMod_

You’ll never know.

What are you in this thread for, anyway? :P

 

 **Tony Wilton**  
_Verified Infiltrator_

Background research. And so I can avoid doing these things. So far I think I’m good.

 

 **Sy Lucas**  
_GodMod_

...fair enough. Carry on 8)

 

 **Nicholas Bell**  
_Yes. That One._

Shall I even start.

 

 **Leah Dimitrova**  
_IRL Beekeeper_

BACON SANDWICHES OH MY GOD

 

 **Jen Kaplan**  
_Cheesegrater_

I’ve had to add this as a note to my profile. That I will, under no circumstances or goading, eat a bacon sandwich.

You’d be surprised at the number of people who still wanna try.

 

 **Saara Amar**  
_Skydive Specialist_

I really, really wouldn’t. ._.;;;

 

 **Nicholas Bell**  
_Yes. That One._

Maybe I should start adding one. >____>

Though I don’t really have an excuse beyond ‘dear god I just wanna stop eating them’.

 

 **Marcos Batalon**  
_Lives On The Moon_

Well, anyway. My worst was when I went ice skating--I can’t skate for shit, but it was through the registry and I guess the person I was taking took what she could get. And she was pro-level. Like mad pro-level, like I think she might have been in the olympics or some shit.

I guess the thing is, integration is not perfect. We all know this. They’re still beholden to our reflexes, and for a large part, our muscle memory. So I prepared by taking a lesson and I thought that was good enough, right? But she’s a figure skater. And she wants to do spins, tricks, whatever, and I am a) not in good enough shape for this and b) as I said, not a good skater.

The experience made her really sad and her being sad made me sad and though I’ve had my share of WTF-level events, this one has to have been the worst.

 

 **James Jefferson**  
_The Worst Of The Best_

Fuck that’s deep.

Not sure I have anything like that...

 

 **Saara Amar**  
_Skydive Specialist_

Take more interesting clients and you’ll have a more interesting time. Or, y’know, look their names up before you take them out :PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 

 **Samara Wallace**  
_Head Honcho_

You’re _skating_ close to the line here, guys.

My worst experience as an Integrator was starting this forum in the first place.

 

 **Saara Amar**  
_Skydive Specialist_

Really? :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Samara!!!!

 

 **Samara Wallace**  
_Head Honcho_

No.

 

 **Leah Dimitrova**  
_IRL Beekeeper_

Well, that’s a relief...

My worst experience is being trolled by Samara!

 

 **Nicholas Bell**  
_Yes. That One._

I can’t believe Samara’s reputation exceeds mine.

 

 **Jen Kaplan**  
_Cheesegrater_

Bell, stop fishing.

 

 **Arden Lu**  
_Differentiator_

[ _(Click to view gif)_ ](https://media2.giphy.com/media/26BRIaGqykNr0XKlG/giphy.gif)

 

**Next Page >**


	3. Let's Build A Playlist

**Saara Amar**  
_Skydive Specialist_

So I always get people asking me, “Saara! What’s it like to be an integrator?”

To which I say the same thing every single time :(

But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to point them to a playlist and say ‘this! This is what being an integrator is like!’?

Post ONE (1) song that describes your experience being an Integrator.

I’ll start with the obvious.... [ “Where Is My Mind” by The Pixies ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iC0YXspJRM). I think we can all relate xD

 

**James Walter**  
_Designated Dingbat_

[ Tired of Sex ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5SXl7XJvLA) by Weezer covered by Vitamin String Quartet. Stick it somewhere in the middle and wait for them to notice ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**Aditya Kamal**  
_Maximum Killjoy_

That’s if they even recognize it. Why not go for something more modern, like  **Danger Face by It’s A Trap, Dating Wombats?**

 

**James Walter**  
_Designated Dingbat_

_ > That’s if they even recognize it. _

You’re missing the point with that song. And really living up to your title ;)

 

**Arden Lu**  
_Differentiator_

Forgetting recognisable... [ how about some Superorganism? ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaNeho5kRfk) That’s basically us xDD

 

**Jen Kaplan**  
_Cheesegrater_

I always found [ The Killers - Spaceman ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc16Y9fiCvQ) particularly relatable.

 

**James Jefferson**  
_The Worst Of The Best_

It only fits a little but De La Soul’s [ remix of Daylight ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhksDOByoo4) is a killer. I’d want it on the playlist.

 

**Saara Amar**  
_Skydive Specialist_

This is awesome. Though not sure how cohesive it is, bahaha. I love seeing what you all listen to!

 

**Jeff Zelnik**  
_Turtle Enthusiast_

There’s always that one client who wants to be your friend. So... [ Evil Friends - Portugal. The Man. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zpBbrXLxP4)

 

**Next Page >**


	4. Intro to Chomsky

**Tony Wilton**  
_Verified Infiltrator_

 

# Tony’s Chomsky Guide, v.1.2

## So, you wanna learn Chomsky.

Chomsky is infamously difficult to learn. It’s not particularly like any other programming language, so what you’ve done or haven’t done doesn’t matter so much as your ability to solve problems and write legible code.

Well, that’s another thing about it, because Chomsky is designed to be written in multiple ways, and I don’t mean superficial things like semicolons vs. line breaks or tabs vs. spaces (fight me, this _is_ a superficial change--and you _can_ choose what you want to use in Chomsky as long as you stay consistent), I mean that for any given problem, there are as many solutions as there are programmers writing Chomsky.

What people don’t often realise about Chomsky is that **you are not writing software for a computer inside someone’s brain** , you’re writing a program for a computer with biological components—or, in plainer English, the computer is part of their brain so the hardware and wetware have got to play nice. For the most part, you’re gonna be using libraries that will make it _look_ like you have a nice, clean brain/metal interface, but this is an abstraction. If you crash someone’s implant, you are going to fuck them up badly. This is where some of the basic tenets of Writing Good Chomsky come from.

 

“Good Chomsky?” you say, “but Tony, you just said I could write Chomsky any way I like to! What’s up with that?”

Well, yeah, you can. But some of the ways are shit. Just because a Raytheon looks like a chip attached to some metal pasta does not mean that your code can _also_ be spaghetti. Part of this is ethics, but if you don’t care about those (I know what this board is like) then consider it pragmatism. You don’t want to come back to your code and have no earthly clue what it does, and you don’t want to have to patch code that looks like a scrambled mess, so why put more of it out into the world?

(Purists will claim that there is no such thing as bad Chomsky. You will make good money fixing their bad Chomsky to be better. Just don’t pay attention.)

So, without further ado...

 

**The Basic Tenets of Good Chomsky**

    * **Modularize as much as possible.** Implants, especially modern ones, are designed to keep working when one element fucks up, but if all your code is tied together, bits of it that could still function without the other parts will not.
    * **Take advantage of threading.** You can’t write Chomsky and not multithread, but the way its concurrency actually works is ~~slightly~~ **very** weird and worth checking out a separate guide for.
    * **Learn as many approaches as possible** , including their benefits and drawbacks. This will help you create solutions that suck less.
    * ****USE THE SECURITY STANDARDS!!!****
      * No, seriously. People have neglected them in the past and it has caused DISASTER.
      * We are still patching implants which didn’t follow _already defined_ standards for security. Yeah.
    * **Experiment using an emulator.** Not your brain. Not your friend’s brain. An emulator. Seizures are **not** a fun thing.



 

**Here’s some things that might throw you, coming from other languages:**

      * Chomsky is more concerned with the outcome of your code than how you got to it. Unless you’ve programmed with Rust, you will be unfamiliar with having to write unit tests for everything for your code to compile. This is to improve code quality, reduce the chance of error, and to make sure that your code does what you think it does.
      * Chomsky is fundamentally reactive. You have many constant streams of input which you have to make decisions based on—and the implant is never quiet itself, so there’s a constant stream of output as well. You don’t get to take a chunk of data and quietly process it, then hand it back as one chunk, you have to feed back your results as you get them.
      * The implant can go faster than the brain can, so there’s a ‘speed limit’ on I/O between hardware and wetware that you can technically break but realistically shouldn’t. You normally don’t have to worry about this unless you’re writing an interface—any decent emulator will warn you that you’re going over safe limits, though.



 

There’s a thing among Chomsky programmers where we can tell who wrote code just by looking at it. There’s a thing among newbie Chomsky programmers where they wanna develop a style ASAP. Don’t worry about this, especially not at this stage. You’ll work out what yours is by mimicking others and naturally finding ways of thinking about Chomsky that suit the way you work. Just keep at it and eventually you’ll find a rhythm.

If you can’t tell who wrote what without checking the commit history, don’t sweat it either. This comes with time. Being a Chomsky programmer does not come from having this sixth sense, the sixth sense comes from being a Chomsky programmer.

For further information, check **Xiulan’s Guide** , which has an actual quickstart for the language, the **official documentation** , or **Lucas Hubbard’s Chomsky Reference** (yeah, yeah, I know. The resource is still good, and people have checked it over for weirdness).

 

 

This guide was written as a response to the dearth of not-incredibly-technical information about Chomsky.

Feel free to distribute, just keep my name and the version number attached. Changelog available in the post below this one.

 

————

Chomsky Programmer. Token Haden. **No, I’m not supposed to be banned**.

Quit bothering Samara.


End file.
